i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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