Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
