She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
