threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
