Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
