We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
