so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
