I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
