new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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