I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
