he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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