a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
