I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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