he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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