People in love make me want to vomit
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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