He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
