I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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