Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My cat gives me a boner
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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