wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's never too late to be topless.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize