So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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