Got a toothbrush?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize