I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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