I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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