i permit you to call me
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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