Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
