My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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