So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
