The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
