I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
