Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
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