Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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