I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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