theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
