I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
