This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
