Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I didn't notice because vodka
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
