Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
