whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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