There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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