I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
