You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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