I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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