24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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