The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
