Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
