3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
