to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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