Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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