Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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