I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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