2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
