I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
