theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
