what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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