it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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